It has been a hard few years for our family. If you have been following us for any time, you will know that our tragedy didn’t start with Shirley’s diagnosis. It didn’t even begin when Gus died.

Nathan and I have been married for five and a half years. In that span, we have collectively held 12 different jobs, attended nearly ten funerals for close family members or friends, owned five different cars, and had three babies. That’s a lot of life in a short period. And reflecting on the years, I recall feelings of chaos and anxiety. I did not know how the bills would be paid, or if we would be able to afford a new car when ours broke down for the 8th time in 3 months. Saying goodbye to my baby after 30+ hours of labor and planning his funeral while my milk came in and my body bled. Rushing my newborn’s stiff body to the paramedics, wailing for Nathan to come home immediately while I left my toddler sitting on the couch watching Puffin Rock. Driving 4 hours round trip every other weekend for five months when my grandparents were dying, and I never knew when it would be the last time I saw them. Friends, there has been such grief. Such depth of pain. Numb and hollow feelings, learning how to function again, how to live in the wake of loss.

But, despite all that hard, we can trace God’s hand. We can see how the sudden company failure that left Nathan jobless while I was pregnant with Gus led him to a job that would continue to pay him while he took a month off after Gus died. We can see why we turned down the once in a lifetime scholarship to seminary because there’s no way Nathan could have completed the requirements, much less commuted an hour one way to classes and worked. At the same time while Shirley’s health spun out of control, and I spent weeks in and out of the hospital.

Amid these chaotic and overwhelming seasons, it felt hopeless and dark. But in those moments, the Lord was moving. He was shaping our hearts like an artist chips away at marble to create a masterpiece. It was painful, but one thing led us to another, and it has always been just what we needed precisely when we needed it.

And so, now, as we face new challenges, new unknowns, rather than looking at it as the old Faith, would, with anxiety and trepidation. I face it with confidence. Because I know I can trust God. I have watched him come through for our family time and time again. There isn’t a  shred of doubt or hesitancy in my mind anymore. The Lord has both stripped away my ability to be self-reliant, and he has given me a gift of trust. He’s proven himself-not that he had to- to be faithful.

I have no idea how we will afford the home we need to accommodate Shirley or buy a handicap van. I don’t know how Shirley’s condition will progress and how long we will get to keep her. I don’t know if we will ever try to have another baby, or how I would have enough time to even give to another child. But I do know this. God is faithful. And I can trust Him to lead, provide for, guide, and sustain us.

Psalm 27

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. Though a host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies. Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

Wait on Him, for He is faithful.