I felt off all day. My heart constricted. My mind foggy. My body fatigued.

It made sense. I hadn’t slept much the night before. Shirley was up much of the night fussing and not wanting to sleep. Not an unusual occurrence, but still challenging to cope with nonetheless.

But it was something more. I couldn’t put my finger on the feeling. Then it washed over me like cold waves at the beach in December. My due date.

August should have been here. His birthday should have been around now. Instead, it was a month earlier and is also shared with the date on his death certificate.

This year it hit harder in many ways. You see, everyone talks about how hard it is having a child after a loss. But they only talk about the pregnancy. And once their “rainbow baby” is here, everything is better. A part of them heals, they have a healthy baby to hold and raise. And yes, they always miss their child they lost, but, life moves on with joy. As the year’s pass, the grief becomes an old friend that they revisit from time to time. The sorrow is there, but it is not nearly as loud or consuming as it once was.

But our story doesn’t end that way. Because our grief is compounded by a medically complex child. A child whose heart could stop at any moment from the misfiring in her brain. A child who could go into a seizure and never come out. A child who takes enormous amounts of medication only to still have 60 seizures a day. A child who may never walk or talk, or say “I love you mama”. A beautiful joyful child, created in the image of God, who faces suffering every day of her life.

And this grief, it lingers. It doesn’t fade. Every day I wake up to face it. It burns inside me. And on days like today, I can’t help but wonder why this is the life God has ordained for me. If Gus hadn’t died, would Shirley have been born? Would we have faced such intense sorrow?

Now, do not get me wrong. I adore and love Shirley and I would never wish her not here with me. I will fight for that sweet soul until the day I die. She is so incredibly precious to me. But there is a tension in my sorrow. Wanting my son, grieving the life I thought we would have with him, and wanting Shirley, but grieving the life she will face. It’s not as easy tension to live in.

In talking with a friend, she asked how I was doing, how I was coping with everything. I didn’t know how else to describe it other than I felt emotionally constipated. There are SO many feelings and all so intense and overwhelming. I don’t even know where to begin to sort through it. I don’t know what to feel, or what to give credit to, even what to do. So I just keep doing the next thing, busying my hands and my mind, when inside I feel like I’m drowning.

So when today hit, it hit with a force I didn’t expect. I just miss him so much. Now that Shirley is here, Adelaide realizes what she lost in losing Gus. And she often when talking of our family, sadly states that she really misses her little brother and wishes he were here.

I do too. But I can’t help, but be reminded of how God ordained all this. I can’t help but read passages like John 9 and think how beautifully God is glorified through brokenness. I can’t help but read the Psalms and see how God is faithful in any and every circumstance. I can’t help but read Job, and see that God is Lord over all, and has allowed this for my good and his glory.

But it still stings. It still burns. It still aches.

I find relief in knowing that God can handle my emotions…that he can handle my anger. That does not excuse me to sin, but it does give me a reason to run to him rather than away when my formidable emotions from grief begin to well up inside. Rather than isolating myself and becoming self-sufficient, worshipping myself rather than my creator, I should be running to the only one who can bring me peace amidst the storm.

If you are facing a storm, suffering, or sorrow, I implore you, run to Him. Do not try to face these hardships in your own strength, do not try to “self-care” away your problems. Do not try to look to others to be your Savior, because, they WILL let you down and only leave you bitter and resentful.

Run to Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith. He has suffered for us so we can have hope amidst our suffering.